RADVENT 2010/Day 1/Remembering

i haven't written on here since april...but you know, there's no one like Princess Lasertron to get a girl going again. read the explanation of radvent here.

Day 1: Remembering

What were you doing five years ago today? As the holiday season began? Where were you? Who were you with? What did you want? What did you have?The good and the bad–remembering is a gift through which we can re-experience our lives. Give yourself permission to remember everything.

I had to go back to an old blog to figure out what was going on in 2005. According to the old xanga, I gave 2005 "4.5 out of 5 stars" (half a point lost because of stress and money problems) and I said that it was the best year of my life so far.

Five years ago I was living in my first real apartment with my first real boyfriend who would later become my first real husband. We lived in a giant apartment on Dodge street and had a live Christmas tree because I was never allowed to have one growing up after the Spider Tree Incident. I was convinced the tree had a bat in it....a Christmas bat. I would talk to it when I was home alone and Greg was working late nights at Jimmy Johns. I had just turned 21, so that was great. Apparently I drank a lot of Arbor Mist? So they tell me.

I was in college, I was designing costumes for the first time, I was on the FAUST exec board. I had a 4.0 average! I spent a lot of December worrying about finals, auditions, and money. God, so stressed about money. I worked a minimum wage job I loved only a few hours a week and I don't think I ever had a paycheck over $200. I'm not sure how I made rent, let alone bought Christmas presents. But I managed. And I was really, really happy. I loved my boyfriend, my school, my life.baby Shannon and Greg, Christmas 2005

The good and the bad–remembering is a gift through which we can re-experience our lives. Give yourself permission to remember everything.

Every year my mom's side of the family, the Krolls, gets together to celebrate the holidays on Christmas Eve. As I had been growing into my person, I felt less and less at home at these parties as it became clear that I was the only Democratically inclined member of my family...or so it seemed at the time. The Christmas of 2005, my uncle Nathan stopped by our house with his three kids--Emily, Sarah, and Jacob--and dropped them off to hang out with us while he ran some last minute errands. Now, the kids weren't little--all in their early to mid teens--but they were the kind of kids that dressed up as Bible characters for Halloween and weren't planning to kiss until they were married. Meanwhile, my sister and I had been planning to drink heavily and talk about our new boyfriends. So of course, we were total brats about it and were probably super mean to them.

I actually feel a little sick remembering that day and the attitude I had. It was an opportunity to get to know these awesome kids who were growing up into incredible, complicated people. Later that night, when all the adults were around and it was too late to talk, Jacob did something or said something...and I realized something about him that I hadn't before. That he wasn't just a home-schooled, hard core Christian cousin anymore. He was funny, and moody...and gay. And maybe if I would've actually spent some time that afternoon talking to him, I would've figured it out sooner. Or he maybe he would've told me. That was 2005.

The next two Christmases were great. Jacob and I would talk share youTube videos of Kelly and makeup tutorials. He would give me cigarettes and sometimes (sorry Uncle Nathan) I'd let him have some of my booze. He was one of the only reasons I looked forward to the Kroll Christmases, and I wish I would've had more with him. Jacob had an accident and died in 2008, less than two weeks after my wedding, just a few months before Christmas.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...maybe that I should be kinder around Christmas time. Maybe that people will surprise you. Maybe that you should treasure the moments or something sappy like that.

I'm sorry I ended this on a sad note--but really writing it wasn't sad for me at all. Those Christmases were lovely, but they live in a warm amber part of my brain that is obscured by time and alcohol. So it's nice to consciously make an effort to remember them. You should try it!

Try to remember everything you can about one night of Christmas last year. And then do the year before that and the year before that. You'll find some gems in there, I promise. There's good stuff there.

Start a new tradition with your family or friends this season to help you remember the beauty of NOW!

share a blog together * start a cookie swap * host a movie night * meet late for pancakes * invite your siblings to pick out a gift for your parents * get together with friends to make holiday decorations