2010...I just don't know what to think about you

In January of 2010, I was reading Yes and Yes. Sarah Von asked a very important question: what are you looking forward to in 2010? I couldn't think of anything. There was nothing I wanted to do, nothing I wanted to change. I didn't have plans or aspirations. And even though it wasn't a bad thing, per se, it seemed to me to be a very...sad thing to think. Nothing to look forward to.

I wish I could say that I set out that day to change my life and way of looking at things, but I didn't. I started this blog, and then never wrote on it again.

Because 2010 exploded.

2010 is the year I did my first Blue Barn show. The first time someone cast me in a role I thought I wouldn't be good in. The first time I was offered a role without auditioning. First time I wrote a show and then first time I headed up a show for Witching Hour. First time I got lessons on how to dance like a stripper.

2010 is the year I went to MaxFunCon, and met all my heroes and all the incredible, incredibly talented people who were just there to attend.

2010 is the year Maria Bamford told me I was funny and lonelysandwich said I was adorable.

The first time I went to Disneyland. I rode my first roller coaster.

2010 is the year Greg and I got the Drew Billings Grant to start the New Timey Radio Hour. Which we did. 2010 is the year of very fancy microphones.

2010 is the year Ashley told me to apply for the job I saw on this blog we read, so I met Megan and Alice and got to be the assistant to Princess Lasertron at Camp, and meet all the wonderful people through that amazing opportunity, and do something that seems so perfect for me to do that sometimes it makes me want to pee.

At my mall job...well...I got a raise. That was nice.

In 2010 Greg and I did a LOT of RESPECT shows. Which was good, because it meant we had money. But 2010 was also the year that world proved that our work was necessary, that the anti-bullying campaign wasn't some touchy-feely hippie cause but something that schools needed more of, desperately.

And 2010 was bad sometimes. Truly horrifically unbelievably bad. So bad that I screamed and cried and threw full cans of soda against walls because I didn't know what else to do with my hands. I smoked a lot. I drank too much. 2010 is the first time I've ever actually considered killing a person.

2010 has left scars. 2010 has left some of us questioning 2011 and what could possibly come along to make things better, or even just they way they used to be, because some things can not continue in the way they are now.

And I guess that's the only reason I'm conflicted. Because this year was so great, so life-challengingly awesome in so many ways--but to declare it the best year ever would let it off the hook for those bad, dark times and I'm not ready to do that yet.

So here's what I'll say: 2010, you did the best you could. And for a year of nothing to look forward to, I have had so many opportunities thrown my way and met so many incredible people that I am no longer hanging out. I am in love with my life, 2010, so thanks. I guess.

RADVENT 2010/Day 1/Remembering

i haven't written on here since april...but you know, there's no one like Princess Lasertron to get a girl going again. read the explanation of radvent here.

Day 1: Remembering

What were you doing five years ago today? As the holiday season began? Where were you? Who were you with? What did you want? What did you have?The good and the bad–remembering is a gift through which we can re-experience our lives. Give yourself permission to remember everything.

I had to go back to an old blog to figure out what was going on in 2005. According to the old xanga, I gave 2005 "4.5 out of 5 stars" (half a point lost because of stress and money problems) and I said that it was the best year of my life so far.

Five years ago I was living in my first real apartment with my first real boyfriend who would later become my first real husband. We lived in a giant apartment on Dodge street and had a live Christmas tree because I was never allowed to have one growing up after the Spider Tree Incident. I was convinced the tree had a bat in it....a Christmas bat. I would talk to it when I was home alone and Greg was working late nights at Jimmy Johns. I had just turned 21, so that was great. Apparently I drank a lot of Arbor Mist? So they tell me.

I was in college, I was designing costumes for the first time, I was on the FAUST exec board. I had a 4.0 average! I spent a lot of December worrying about finals, auditions, and money. God, so stressed about money. I worked a minimum wage job I loved only a few hours a week and I don't think I ever had a paycheck over $200. I'm not sure how I made rent, let alone bought Christmas presents. But I managed. And I was really, really happy. I loved my boyfriend, my school, my life.baby Shannon and Greg, Christmas 2005

The good and the bad–remembering is a gift through which we can re-experience our lives. Give yourself permission to remember everything.

Every year my mom's side of the family, the Krolls, gets together to celebrate the holidays on Christmas Eve. As I had been growing into my person, I felt less and less at home at these parties as it became clear that I was the only Democratically inclined member of my family...or so it seemed at the time. The Christmas of 2005, my uncle Nathan stopped by our house with his three kids--Emily, Sarah, and Jacob--and dropped them off to hang out with us while he ran some last minute errands. Now, the kids weren't little--all in their early to mid teens--but they were the kind of kids that dressed up as Bible characters for Halloween and weren't planning to kiss until they were married. Meanwhile, my sister and I had been planning to drink heavily and talk about our new boyfriends. So of course, we were total brats about it and were probably super mean to them.

I actually feel a little sick remembering that day and the attitude I had. It was an opportunity to get to know these awesome kids who were growing up into incredible, complicated people. Later that night, when all the adults were around and it was too late to talk, Jacob did something or said something...and I realized something about him that I hadn't before. That he wasn't just a home-schooled, hard core Christian cousin anymore. He was funny, and moody...and gay. And maybe if I would've actually spent some time that afternoon talking to him, I would've figured it out sooner. Or he maybe he would've told me. That was 2005.

The next two Christmases were great. Jacob and I would talk share youTube videos of Kelly and makeup tutorials. He would give me cigarettes and sometimes (sorry Uncle Nathan) I'd let him have some of my booze. He was one of the only reasons I looked forward to the Kroll Christmases, and I wish I would've had more with him. Jacob had an accident and died in 2008, less than two weeks after my wedding, just a few months before Christmas.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...maybe that I should be kinder around Christmas time. Maybe that people will surprise you. Maybe that you should treasure the moments or something sappy like that.

I'm sorry I ended this on a sad note--but really writing it wasn't sad for me at all. Those Christmases were lovely, but they live in a warm amber part of my brain that is obscured by time and alcohol. So it's nice to consciously make an effort to remember them. You should try it!

Try to remember everything you can about one night of Christmas last year. And then do the year before that and the year before that. You'll find some gems in there, I promise. There's good stuff there.

Start a new tradition with your family or friends this season to help you remember the beauty of NOW!

share a blog together * start a cookie swap * host a movie night * meet late for pancakes * invite your siblings to pick out a gift for your parents * get together with friends to make holiday decorations

sometimes, i get weird cravings for oatmeal. we never ate it growing up, and i've never had a bowl i like, but every once and a while i get all nostalgic about cooked oatmeal and i'll buy a pack of cinnamon bun instant oatmeal, make myself a bowl, and hate it.
i hate cooked oatmeal, but i keep buying it and making it, forgetting that it just isn't for me.

(this is just an example of a problem i have all the time. i used to have the same issue with polenta, although i think part of my stubbornness came from not wanting to admit that i didn't like something that every foodie in the world drools over. i'm elitist as well as stubborn, i guess)

so today i get in one of my moods and i find an old, but not yet expired, package of instant oatmeal, and i splash a little milk in it and stick it in the microwave. and even before the ding i'm saying to myself, "you dumb bitch. you know you hate oatmeal. don't even taste this. just put it right in the trash, because that's where it's going anyway."

(it's the pep talks that get me through my mornings, you know?)

then i pull the bowl out of the microwave and realize, through too much microwaving and not enough milk, i have BURNED THE OATMEAL.

oh, what a failure. you can see in the above picture, there is no creaminess to this oatmeal, no warmth. just dry, chewy chunks of cinnamon.

you will also notice that half the bowl is gone. this is because, friends, it turns out burned oatmeal is totally delicious. to me, anyway.

maybe everyone, even oatmeal, deserves a second chance.

what's the name of this club?

somehow, through a series of mistakes, misunderstandings, and rescheduling, I HAVE THE DAY OFF TODAY.
from all. three. jobs. whaaaaaaaaat?
so far i have done the dishes, worked out (for the first time in a veryveryvery long time) and danced around while trying to decide how i feel about lady gaga.
turns out i really like lady gaga.
huh.
given my deep-seeded cynicism it was unexpected, but we failed to take into account my love of good dance music and showmanship.
see also: justin timberlake.
tomorrow: back to two of the jobs, including meeting my STRIPPER CHOREOGRAPHER.
(more on that later...yes, it is as scandalous as it sounds, just in a different way than you're thinking.)
edit: also made dinner. rock. star.

if joy had a face

my brother is coming up from austin tomorrow. he's staying with us. my mom is coming up to see him, and she's staying with us too. so i'm cleaning today.

but since i got back on the pony, i didn't want to abandon you so soon. also, the last post was a little down, so i wanted to share something special.

when i'm sad, or stressed, or killing time as scrubbing bubbles eats away at six months worth of soap scum in my shower (hey-o), i like to look at pictures of baby orangutans.

is there anything in the world cuter than a baby orangutans? regular, full grown orangutans...meh. but the babies...oh the babies....
human babies have nothing on this.
all pictures from zooborns, one of the greatest sites in the universe.

revolutions 2010

if i had gotten pregnant on the day i started this blog, which was also the last day i wrote a blog, i would be waddling around with an almost fully-baked baby in my belly, and then i REALLY would've had something to write about. but i am luckily without child, and this blog went ignored and abandoned. until today.

why?

did i think of you sometimes, abandoned blog? certainly. as much as it sounds like a Stupid White Person Problem, i missed blogging. or i guess i should say writing. i used to write all the time, blogs and poems and stories. it was therapeutic. it made my brain...work...better. so it was probably easier and more interesting to talk to me then, too.

so that's one reason.

also, i was reading yes and yes the other day, and sarah von (who is one of the most positive and lovely people on the internet) asked her readers to post what they were looking forward to in 2010.

and man, i tried, but i couldn't think of anything. there was nothing i was looking forward to in the year ahead. and that is just completely unacceptable.

so the wheels are turning. i have some ideas. but i decided to start writing again, not because i think this will be interesting to anyone other than myself, but i have been known to abandon projects (see the timestamp of the last entry) and i find that i work better when people are holding me accountable (even if those people are Me and The Internet).

also, my best friend told me to.

so let's get started on this adventure, shall we?


(or maybe i'll see you in eight months.)